I grab the bottle of sleeping pills out of my medicine cabinet and unscrew the cap off it. I swallow three, no more no less. Maybe he won't visit my bedside tonight. I can sleep, easy and dreamless. Nightmareless. I slip down the hallway, lucid, see-through. I am a half-ghost and he is hungry for the rest of my soul. I slip under cotton and polyester and speed my beating heart to a hummingbirds hum. My translucent eyelids close, and I see the ceiling through the lace work of veins. I can feel him coming now. Any second and he'll be here. Spiders crawl out of my nose and mouth spinning webs of silk to hold me down. Keep me quiet. He sneaks out of my closet, wheres he's been waiting. "Kylie" he whispers reaching for me with blue-white hands . My name doesn't fit in the dead-boys mouth. I am his queen to his throne of cobwebs and bone. I'm not ready to die though, and he wants me. His long eyelashes have dew drops on them, and his black hair is in perfect disarray. He's wearing what he was buried in. He looks good in formal. The room is cold, like I was stuck in a snow drift. He's sitting on the mattress by my right hip, his fingers tracing my side. Making me shiver. The spiders crawl up his arm and spin us together. A cocoon of love and past memories. So why am I scared? He smiles, and the skin on his face cracks, splinters. My perfect angel is gone. I was waiting for this, the worst part to come. He leans into me and his bones grind into my soft malleable skin. My skin tears and freezes in chunks where he touches me. "Come with me, Ky, my bone queen". He smiles a serene smile, his cheekbones all angles. "Come thaw my heart of ice". The spiders spin his whispered sing-song words into the web connecting us and echo them in wind whispers. I am in his arms again. One rib cracks. Two. He pulls me into him deeper, holding me in the snow. Pushing me into the hollow of his chest cavity. The shadow girls slither down my walls. Across my floor. Into me. I am their Queen of Deceit. Anger. Overdose. Pain. I let them engulf me, they are my court. Ready to spoon feed me old memories.
"Not this memory" I think as I fall into it.
"Not this one".
"Kylie-wa!" He yells for me. I hide under the slide at the playground, wrapped in scarves and a burgundy coat. I lay down in the powder and spread my arms, I am a bird. A hummingbird made of delicate bones and feathers. I hum to myself. I have a beak and I rape beautiful flowers for their nectar. I can fly away when I want to, I can. Tyler finds me passed out with blue lips under the yellow slide. He bundles me in warm arms and carries me up into our plastic castle. I struggle in my sleep. You should not cage hummingbirds. I want to fly into the crisp winter air. I want free. The drugs in my veins tell me I can do this. Tyler tells me to "wake up". "This hummingbird doesn't sleep" I reply. I wake up to his ice eyes and he smiles. "Good morning, my queen" he tells me. He places a crown made of a birds nest flipped upside down. I am the hummingbird queen. Soon to be bone queen. I lean into kiss my king, wrapping cold, stiff arms around his neck like a noose. His lips start to bubble and simmer, and I quickly plant mine against them. When I pull back a string of melted flesh follows me. "I scream.
I am in my room again. The shadow girls ease their grip for a moment, let me surface from the memories they force on me. They always end differently. A new nightmare ending. "Surprised?" the ask. "I am" I tell them. "I am". My spider king waits for his bird queen. Bone queen.
I only have one more step until I can wake up. I have to watch him die.
Sacrifice himself to the shadows overtaking him.
His bedroom is cold. The bed isn't made and the curtains are shut tight. The computer screen glows an eerie soft blue that sets the stage lights for the main attraction. He sits on his floor, rocking back and forth. He's writing me a letter.stupid
I back into the corner. I hate this. He writes swiftly, in small block letters. Back and forth. I feel a burning in my stomach. I lift up my nightgown to see every word he writes seared into my tender flesh. I read it as he writes.
I can't keep running from them. Neither can you. As I write this they pick at my flesh and peer inside. The want me for their king, the spider king. I can't refuse them. Come with me, Kylie-wa. Fly with me, my little hummingbird. All you have to do is let them see inside your soul. Let them eat that hummingbird heart.
I've read it so many times, I know it by heart. I remember the look on his mothers face when she handed it to me. Tyler stands up now and digs under his mattress retrieving a sharp knife with a bone handle. He starts on his jaw and goes down, unzipping until he gets to his bellybutton. His innards fall to the floor in a puddle and spiders crawl in them, ballet dancing on tiny pad feet attached to bony black legs. He slips to the floor almost. A shadow girl catches him, and drags him to the closet. A trail of blood follow them. Like a crumb trail. I almost slip. Gag.
She sucks on his bottom lip, making love to his corpse. Ghost Tyler stands next to me now. The wet sound of his blood slick on the shadow girl plays in the background.
"Have you had enough" he whispers. "Not yet" I say and kiss his cheek.
He sighs and I'm back in my bed. He kisses my forehead, once again perfect. "I'll be back tomorrow, Kylie-wa".
"I know, I know".